|
firebaby688
|
read my profile
sign my guestbook
Name: Lizzi
Gender: Female
Interests: singing, dancing, writing, acting, pretty much anything creative except drawing, shopping (lol!), hanging out w/ friends, spending time w/ Jesus
Expertise: Counseling, as in trying to help people out with their problems. At least, that's what I think. Why is it I feel like I'm being very self-centered/braggy by putting this?
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
Member Since:
5/13/2004
|
|
| And sometimes it's good to. I dunno.
Today was a day in which I was marveling at how much God knows the future when we don't. And knows what we need. At least one of you reading this might think that's a 180 from when I talked to you only a few hours ago, and it is. I'll explain.
I've been going through things. Let's just put it that way. I managed to convince myself I was fine while I was home, but that hasn't worked too well in the week I've been here. Which is good, in a way, because I know that I should actually be dealing with things instead of running, and I have a wonderful support system here.
Today everything kinda came to a head. I hit a major wall and I didn't really know what to do. I talked to two wonderful friends, and cried with two wonderful friends, and I still wasn't feeling as great as I should. I also still wasn't REALLY focusing on the core of the issue. When I got back to my room to do homework, the first song on my shuffle was pretty much exactly what I needed to hear.
When I left home for school three years ago, a good friend of mine, he knows who he is, gave me a mixed c.d. complete with a packet explaining why each of the songs was on there. The c.d. has a ton of great songs, but one that has always stood out was Copeland's "Testing the Strong Ones." Every time I hear it, I think of him and the fact that he cares. The lyrics actually sound like words that have come out of his mouth over the years.
This song somehow manages to play every time I'm upset. It reminds me that he cares, it reminds me that God cares, and it also reminds me of several other people who love me and care about me. It serves a lot of purposes, but it always calms me down. I won't lie, I came back to the room after venting still feeling lost and hopeless. I also still feel a lot of things right now that aren't necessarily good feelings, but none of that is gonna disappear in one night. However, the song just seems to sum up where I'm at now and where I've been before. And, as I said, it reminds me that people care and it reminds me that this isn't forever. God knew what he was doing when years ago the c.d. was made, even though I didn't. I feel more at peace than I did a few hours ago, and that makes me happy. I leave you with the lyrics:
"Testing the Strong Ones"
By Copeland
There's an angel by your hospital bed
Desperate to hear his name on your breath
As he looks down, you're not making a sound
Open your eyes, look at me
I'll bring to you whatever you need
And I'll tell you I'm sorry
That I can't take this pain away from you
I'd put it on my own body if I knew how to
Can't you see?
I've gotta bust you out of here somehow
I've never seen your heart this tired
I've never seen your spirit held down
I know that you say
This is what you get
For being a bad child
But I know this is the only way
For just a little while
For just a little while
It's testing the strong ones
Scaring the beautiful ones
It's holding the loved ones
One last time
It's testing the strong ones
(testing the strong ones)
It's scarring the beautiful ones
(staring the beautiful ones)
It's holding the loved ones
One last time
It's testing the strong ones
(testing the strong ones)
It's scarring the beautiful ones
(staring the beautiful ones)
It's holding the loved ones
One last time
Testing the strong ones
(testing the strong ones)
Scarring the beautiful ones
(scarring the beautiful ones)
It's holding the loved ones
One last time
| | |
| Have you ever done something completely unhealthy knowing full well what you are doing to your body but just not caring? I'm currently typing this at one in the morning because despite shaking, despite my eyes practically closing, despite only having one night of sleep in the past two weeks where I got at least the recommended six hours, I don't want to go to bed. Everybody knows that I haven't been sleeping, everybody knows that caffeine is the only thing that is getting me through the day, but I've been able to blame it on finals time. Yes, I do have a lot to do, but I purposely put it off or I'm not even up doing homework. Tuesday night I stayed up watching Heroes, nothing productive at all.
Sleep scares me. I can't control my dreams and it sucks. When I say it scares me, I mean it terrifies me. I hate the idea of going home and having no excuse for not sleeping. Even worse, I hate what my parents will think about my not sleeping. I would love to get a good night's sleep, but I know even if I slept for eight hours, that would not happen.
Oh, Star Trek is good. Yes, I know, I'm a geek, deal with it. I liked the movie, despite no trekkies being there...
| | |
| Recently, I've been having this love-hate relationship with touch. Like, I find myself wanting and needing to have those who love me touch me. Yet, I hate being touched currently, by anyone. It's a really weird and difficult place to reside. I recommend avoiding it if at all possible.
An example would be the two most recent surprise hugs I've been given, both from guys I kinda know, but not that well. The first time I was talking to two very close friends and a guy came behind me and hugged me and said hi. I had no clue who this was. It was one time where I was very grateful I'm pretty close in the middle with the TF thing on Myers-Briggs because I was able to think and feel at the same time. My feeling action would have been to kick this strange guy in the balls. However, I was able to assess the situation enough to realize that if this guy posed any threat, neither of my friends would stand there very calm as I was receiving said hug, so I simply waited to see who it was.
The other hug was in the library as I was running into a bunch of people I know. One of the guys told me he thought I was amazing and gave me a long, tight hug. It was very comforting, even though he had no clue that I needed it, I definitely did. He later came back up to me and gave me another hug from behind while I was sitting and doing homework. I felt very encouraged and I didn't realize how much I missed that closeness with people until about that moment.
I remember one night years ago when I couldn't sleep. It was a rough night, I was dealing with some stuff, and I just remember crying and asking God to just hold me while I slept. I immediately felt this peace surrounding me, and as ridiculous as this sounds, I felt light and a warmth around me as if I was being held. No, it was nothing like I really felt someone's body next to me, it was just comfort, but I could physically feel it, you know? I should try that tonight maybe...
| | |
| I have decided something: I will open up more. Yes, it's official, I'm gonna do it. However, I'm gonna be REALLY picky with who I talk to, because I've noticed I regret opening up to people rather easily, but it's awesome when I find someone that I can really open up to, because then it's like a weight is totally off my shoulders.
I'm currently living in a nightmare. Nope, not exaggerating. My dreams and life have kinda blended into this weird thing. I've kinda stopped sleeping because the nightmares are worse asleep than awake. I'm very tired. It's hard.
I'm very grateful for some of the people God has put in my life during this difficult time. I have the friend who is totally there for me, the friend that is willing to push me hardcore, the friend that listens while I vent with no interruption, the friend that is willing to watch a gross movie with me (yes, totally counts), and the friend that is just there for me, despite my currently being unable to tell him more than the basics. I'm working on things.
God's not really making life any easier. I was dying today and desperate for things that I did not get until way later into the day. I got really close to being unhealthy, but then I took a shower instead. I attempted quiet time, it was a fail, but then I got to speak with a very good friend and she was a great help. I love her lots.
I'm very excited to get out of Michigan in a year. I'm leaning towards Boston or Seattle. It will be amazing. I'm excited/scared to get on with my life.
Ok, I'm going to sleep.
| | |
| I bought my purity ring shortly after my 16th birthday. I remember most of my friends already had purity rings given to them by their parents. When I asked my mom about this, I was told that I needed to lose weight and she was gonna wait until I did that because my fingers would be skinnier then. Shortly after my birthday I had around 200 dollars accumulated from family and friends, so Laura and I decided to go to the mall to browse and see if there was anything worth some of that money. Back then we would often waste time in the mall by going to jewelry stores and picking out the engagement ring we wanted so that our future fiances could ask the other's opinion and get help on the ring shopping. We went into a small jewelry store and of course the march birthstone was on display. I looked because I LOVE my birthstone, and there I saw it. White gold, aquamarine stone, heart-shaped cut; it was gorgeous. I stared at it for a while talking to Laura about the pros and cons of buying it, but it just seemed perfect. I remember thinking that heart was like my heart which I was giving to God. A perfect reminder. I called my mom first to see if I was buying it or if she would, but it was my purchase in the end. The night I got it back from being resized, I prayed that it would be a reminder of what I had already given to God.
I've always gotten that question of being engaged over the past five years because of that ring. I liked that, in a way. While I do think that it can come off as crazy being "engaged to Jesus" and I don't say it, it's nice to be able to answer "no, but I have promised myself to Someone." Because that is what engagement should be and that's what that purity ring meant for me. Over the years it became more than just sexual purity as well. That ring reminded me to guard my heart. That ring reminded me that my body is a temple and not to screw it up in any possible way for my own desires. That ring was with me through a lot of good times.
It's been a week since I've stopped wearing it and that imprint that was always there is no longer there. It's like it's disappeared into existence, like I never had it to begin with. I think that's what scares me the most. It's just weird, and yet no one else has noticed. I've heard no questions or nothing out of the ordinary. This thing that became a part of me five years ago has gone unnoticed by all of those around me. I don't know what that means to me...I'm just not sure...*sigh*
| | |
|
